On 13^th to 15^th February we ran a pilot non-religious retreat which was attended by 18 members of SAMM.  We met late on the Friday afternoon and settled into our rooms and chatted to one another about the weather, our journeys etc.  It was a bit strange as most of us didn’t know one another.  The setting was a beautiful old house that had been tastefully extended to accommodate up to 30 people. The house is set in a large garden within a small village.  The weekend was planned to be quiet and relaxing and people from opposite ends of the country came together to help and support one another and to be with people who really know what they are going through and know the pain and trauma that they are experiencing.

We had our evening meal together and then had a getting to know you session in the large conference room.  I did a presentation on stress and trauma to try to explain to people how their traumatic bereavement has a bearing on how they behave and why they often get forgetful and have panic attacks etc.  The rest of the evening was spent just relaxing and getting to know one another.

By breakfast on Saturday there was quite a buzz in the dining room as we all chatted and shared what we felt comfortable sharing with people who really understood how we all felt.  We then had some workshops looking at anger and guilt and then were able to take part in a group session learning Indian Head massage and practising what we had learnt on one another.  We also had the chance to book individual therapy sessions with two very experienced therapists.

On Saturday early evening we had a candle service in memory of our loved ones.  Everyone had brought a photo of the person they had lost and we had these photos around the chapel during the service.  We lit a candle in memory of the person we had lost and their names were read out as the candle was being lit.  It was a small intimate and very moving experience for us all.  There were lots of tears as we shared our feelings and supported one another.

The programme for Sunday was again a mixture of groups and individual therapy sessions and people just relaxing and talking with friends they had made over the weekend.   There was no pressure on people to attend any of the sessions.  I had explained at the beginning that they could do whatever they liked in relation to the organised groups.  If people just wanted to stroll around the garden or just sit talking to others then that was fine.  After lunch we all came together to evaluate the weekend and to say our goodbyes.  I started the session by thanking every one for making the weekend an enjoyable one for me.  Although I was dashing around organising and checking up on everyone I still had a wonderful weekend.  The trustees who were present at the weekend were all so helpful and supportive and helped to care for everyone and made sure no one was alone or distressed throughout the weekend.  The comments and evaluation about the weekend were excellent with only one unanimous complaint “why can’t we stay here longer?”

I would like to say a special thank you to Mr and Mrs Jones and their son who gave us a donation in memory of their daughter and sister Moira Jones.  This kind donation enabled us to pay for the therapists who joined us over the weekend.  I think we can safely say everyone who attended a therapy session enjoyed it and found it beneficial.

We are printing (with their permission) some letters and comments on the retreat from people who attended it.  We hope to run more retreats in the future so watch this space!

 

I was honoured this Valentines weekend to be invited to a retreat by SAMM.  I was amongst some of the most loving and caring people I have ever met and the only flaw was that I had to leave them at the end of the weekend.

My experience outside SAMM is that people do not want to listen to me, just give me their opinion. The people at the SAMM retreat didn't give an opinion. They were spontaneous with their feelings. When I said how I felt at the retreat the response "that happened to me and that is how I feel".

The SAMM members understood the pure raw rage that a loved one feels when the people who murdered their loved ones so cruelly got away with it or got a short sentence often of only 13 or 18 months. They can just get on with their lives when they've served their time and we have the life sentence of trauma and despair. Since my sister was murdered I have been plagued by nightmares of her murder often getting no sleep at all. Sometimes I felt I just didn't want to be in the world anymore. I feel frustration and rage most of the time. I can’t cope with people at all. My physical health has suffered tremendously I feel isolated most of the time. Though I can talk to my partner it is not the same as it was talking with the SAMM members at the retreat who really felt what I am feeling to the same intensity.  It was the first time that I felt that someone really understood the depth of the pain I felt knowing my sister was murdered.

It is not the same as any other kind of death. It’s worse.  It feels like you're compassion dead and life becomes meaningless. It was a relief to know that all of the members felt like this.    I feel I would really benefit if I could go to more of these retreats.  I am always doing memorials with my partner for my sister and planting trees in her memory. It felt like I was being held when we shared a memorial to our loved ones at the retreat. We shared our pain and grief and tears and held on to each other. I felt compassion and empathy and got compassion from the members. We felt the sorrow together of feeling that the murderers had no right to take our sisters, sons, daughters, mothers, fathers away from us in such a horrendous way.

I have looked everywhere for something like this and there is nothing.   It is vital for our healing to go to retreats like this more often.    Through going to the retreat I met up with other people in my area going through this and we have been keeping in contact. It has helped me when I felt in the depths of despair. It is good to talk to other people who also feel hopeless and that the justice system is failing us all who are going through this.

In my case, the week before the retreat I got a phone call from the police to tell me that the men who killed my sister won't get charged because the suspects cleaned up all of the forensic evidence. I will not get a conviction. Justice as I thought it would, will not be done. 

The suspects, despite being repeat offenders since they were teenagers, now in their thirties and forties will go free and in all probability will do this to another family. I never even got a family liaison officer despite asking month after month for one. Even when the Home Office pathologist lost the small evidence that they had, the police ignored my requests to look into it. I had to write to the coroner to get them to find it.

Many of the people at the retreat understood how frustrated and despairing I felt as they felt that they had been fobbed off too. Many of the people at the retreat felt as I do that the criminals have more rights than the victim and the victim’s family.   Many of us found the laws to be out of date. In my case one law has not been changed since 1856 and is totally irreverent for today and criminals know that they can use it to get their sentences overturned.  The SAMM members understood my frustration at this and showed empathy with me. Other members at the retreat felt as I felt, that these archaic laws despairing need to be amended to uphold our civil rights.

The suspect who murdered my sister gets free legal aid and had never worked a day in their lives. I who work but earn a low wage was expected to pay £15,000 plus just to get a solicitor to advise a barrister to ask questions at the inquest. I could not afford it. I will have to ask questions myself. If it was not for SAMM who offered to get a pro bono solicitor to look at the case and advise me on what kind of questions to ask.

I don't know what I would do if it was not for SAMM. I feel I have had to fight so hard for the last year for my sister I have hardly had time to grieve. The retreat gave me this chance to grieve and take a break from working on the case. Please let me know when the next retreat is on.

Despite giving her as much help and energy as I can I feel it is not enough. She says " You don't understand the intensity of the pain and hurt." This is true.  I have found the constant rage terrible. The isolation has been hard. I could not talk to anyone about my feelings except a psychotherapist for one hour every two weeks. Being a psychotherapist myself I am aware of the importance of confidentiality and also of not prejudicing the case.

The SAMM retreat was inspiring for me. It was great to see my partner open up and talk to some one else besides me, people who understood the terrible pain she was in. I found it replenished my own energy to support my partner. I learned a lot from the therapeutic workshops. I enjoyed the Chi Qung and the massage was fantastic. It can be very draining supporting someone through such a horrendous experience, especially if you are the only support that person has. I have felt despair that I will never get a night's sleep again. I have had nightmares myself after viewing her beautiful sister in the morgue and her body hardly recognizable. This image became a recurring nightmare for me.

The retreat was helpful for me in that many of the feelings my partner felt were felt by other people. It helped me to understand why she could not move on. My partner has now met some people in our area who she can contact and meet and it takes a little of the burden off me of being the only supporter. Before the retreat I felt run down, exhausted, and ill. My MS had got worse since the traumatic experience of finding out my partners sister was murdered. I was getting migraine almost every day.

Most of the last years free time from work has been spent writing letters and fighting my partner's sister's case and listening to my partner's despair, rage, sorrow and intense pain and talking about what to do next. We had to wait 6 months to bury her sister. It has been like walking in the vale of the shadow of death. It has been heart breaking seeing my partner's little niece ask my partner why she is the only little girl in the school with no Mummy.

I feel like my heart has been wrenched seeing the person I love go through such an horrendous time. I really got a lot out of the retreat but the best thing was seeing people who wanted to listen to my partner’s pain. Most people just change the subject or don't know what to say or ignore or avoid us since it happened or try to tell her to move on. No one at the retreat said this. They understood that she would not be able to ever forget this and that it takes a long time to heal.